I Don't Get It

The world is full of confusing things. Phenomena, oddities, scientific anomalies. Things that can never be comprehended or explained by the human mind. You know what I'm talking about. I'm sure many of you already had a few such things pop into your head as you started reading. And most of us, no doubt, would agree upon the same handful of the inexplicable mysteries of the world. Like what's up with the Bermuda Triangle or how a light year works. Or what happened to Hoffa. Maybe. Anyway, you know what I'm saying. But sometimes even just thinking about some of that stuff can end up making your brain all wonky and your head hurt and really, it's just not even worth the hassle. At all.

However, I happen to have a few less scientific-y things that also completely boggle my mind. And although these are no less confusing to me, I'd like to think that maybe, just maybe, they are somewhere within the realm of being explained. At some point. By someone. Specifically to me. 

So now, what I'm certain you all have been waiting for...

Jessica's Top 10 List of Things She Just Doesn't Get 

10) How gas prices can fluctuate in a matter of hours. Seriously, how does that happen? How can I drive passed a gas station in the morning, and when I drive back passed it in the afternoon, there can be a 20 cent price difference? And who decides that? Does a Gas-Station-Powers-That-Be call up the gas station attendant and say, "Hey, I'm thinking that $3.59 ya got there looks a little shady. Let's jack it up to $3.79 and throw in a free car wash. 'Cause that will be less shady"?

9) How the word 'dope' came to mean cool. I don't actually know anyone that uses that word, but I've heard it before. Like, "That car is dope, man!" And, as far as I know, 'dope' was either a derogatory name for a less-than-intelligent person...or a slang word for illegal drugs. Those, in fact, are not cool things, people. Not cool at all.  

8) Why Stacy London can tell people how to dress. The sassy, in-your-face style guru recently wrapped up her fashion show of 10 years, "What Not To Wear". Now, don't get me wrong, I actually watched the show on occasion, and I didn't mind it. But sometimes I'd look at Stacy and think, "Ugh, what is that hideous outfit she is wearing?! I would NOT want her to tell me what to wear." And then there was the time she had that random strip of her hair dyed gray. I mean, maybe she was just embracing growing older, but the gray strip seemed suspiciously and particularly placed. Anyway, I either have excellent taste in clothes already, and I don't need her to tell me what to wear, or I'm just fooling myself, and Stacy does, in fact, know what she's talking about. I'm still skeptical. But then again, she and co-host Clinton Kelly did do some awesome makeovers on some less-than-style-conscious individuals...

7) Why someone would make radio commercials with police sirens in them. Seriously, folks, not cool. Who thought that would be a great idea? "Hey, let's make a funny commercial for <insert product> where someone gets pulled over by a cop! It'll be awesome!" Oh, yeah, real awesome when it comes on the radio, and I jump in my seat and frantically look down at my speedometer, panicking that maybe I'm well over the speed limit, and then my eyes shoot up to the rearview mirror, and oh my gosh why can't I see the cop, where is he?! Thanks for the mini heart attack, advertising people, but no.

6) Why cereal is so expensive. It's a cardboard rectangular prism filled with wheat, oats, flour, and the occasional helping of sugar. Why is that $4? Why? And I don't even buy the kind that comes with a surprise in the bottom of the box. I might pay extra for a surprise. But not for the plastic bag that contains the cereal inside the box. 

5) The cell phone commercials with the parents looking for their son Jeremy. If you haven't seen these commercials, lucky you. The premise is a mom and a dad talking into a computer (probably using something like Skype), pleading with their son Jeremy, who is in Europe, to stop using his phone and switch service providers, because his cell phone bill is outrageous. Here's the part I don't get: if they are the ones getting his bill, why don't they switch service providers?! Gah! Seriously, Jeremy's parents? Seriously? 

4) How I have never seen an actual car chase. How many movies have you seen where a high-speed chase ensues through the crowded streets of a big city? Tons, I bet. The black sedan with tinted windows flies the wrong direction down a one-way street while the suv jumps a curb to cut it off. The Impala barely skids through an intersection as a semi comes barreling through, jack-knifing inches in front of the pursuers. The Mini Cooper thunders down a set of subway stairs with motorcycles in hot pursuit. The Shelby soars over a ramp leaving bridge-trapped police in its dust. Horns are honking, people are jumping out of the way, fruit stands are getting annihilated. Just once I'd like to see a real live car chase. How have I never seen one? They happen to some extent, right? I don't want anyone to get hurt or anything to blow up, of course, but is one lil' ol' real-time chase too much to ask? The closest I've ever come was 5th grade, watching on tv as the cops chased down O.J. Simpson's white bronco. But no fruit stands were hurt in the making of that chase, so it doesn't really count. 

3) Why people can't say words like 'library', 'coupon', or 'regardless. Maybe it's the former English major in me, but when people say these words wrong, it's like nails on a chalkboard. It's 'libRARY', not 'liBERRY'--it's not a fruit. It's 'COUpon' not 'Q-pon'--there's no 'q' in that word. It's 'REgardless', not 'IRregardless'--'irregardless' is not even a word. That would be a double negative. And don't even get me started on 'your' and 'you're'... <steps off soapbox before more grammar rants ensue> 

2) Automatic soap dispensers (in the home). I'm not talking about ones you find in a public restroom; that's fine, they can have them, whatever. But why would someone purchase one for their own bathroom or kitchen? What's the point? You are worried about the germs that get on the pump of the soap dispenser--but every time you pump the dispenser to get soap, isn't it because you are about to wash your hands? So why does it matter if there are germs on top of the pump? Every time you touch it, you are going to wash your hands anyway, so...buh-bye germs. If you are that worried, just wipe the soap dispenser off with a Clorox wipe every now and then. Problem solved. Don't spend $30 on an automatic soap dispenser. Yep, $30. No thank you.

And---drum roll, please---the #1 thing Jessica doesn't get...

1) Math. No explanation necessary.

Well, there you have it. This list is definitely not exhaustive, but these most certainly rank the highest. How about you? What are some things you don't get? Do any of them match up with mine? Can anyone explain any of these to me? If you can, the free prize won't be an automatic soap dispenser or a box of cereal. But it'd be totally dope if you can help a sister out.

The Bunny Chronicles: Part Three

"Well, maybe they should try it sometime. Bet they'd like it. Instead of clapping at me and telling me no, they should just snuggle down next to me and...

Chew the carpet. They really shouldn't knock it 'til they've tried it. It's just too much fun. And it makes my teeth feel great. Plus, I stack up these excellent little piles of carpet shavings. It's actually a work of art. Mom (aka: Female Human) does not appreciate my artistic abilities. I tried to gnaw an awesome Batman-shape into the carpet one time, but Mom just clapped at me. At first, I thought she was applauding my efforts, but nooooo. Apparently carpet art is frowned upon in this establishment.

Mom and Dad (aka: Male Human) try to avert my attention to other things. They leave a cardboard box and a chew toy and all sorts of things in the middle of the living room now. While I appreciate the sentiment--and do chew these on occasion--I find their efforts quite comical. Cardboard and wood vs. carpet? Please. That's a no-brainer.

Before you think me a carpet snob, I should make it clear that I do chew other things sometimes. Like the dvd boxes under the table. Or the corners of books if I can get near the bookshelf. Oh! And one time I designed lovely artistic etchings all around the edges of Dad's flip flops. Then there was the giant pillow monster that I annihilated under the bed. The Humans will thank me later, I'm sure.

Well, I thought this chewing business was all fun and games until I gnawed into something that caused Mom and Dad to lose something called "the Internet" for 24 hours. The next time Mom let me out of my pen, I bounded around the corner, down the hallway and was met with this:

Seriously?

Well, fine. Once I realized I was confined to the hallway only, I just went back to my pen. That'll show them. Nobody puts Bunny in the proverbial corner.

I only pouted for about a day. I can't really stay mad at them for long. They feed me and give me pets, and sometimes they smile and laugh while they rub my ears and call me "Brat" or "Stinker". I think those must be Human terms of endearment.

And I know they don't want me chewing on things that might hurt me. They're pretty awesome like that. Maybe I'll stop chewing stuff.

Nah, probably not."